I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'm completely, utterly afraid of commitment, almost in all aspects of my life. From who I am to who I want to be, to what I wear, to who sleeps in my bed with me, and the only things that stay constant in my life are fears and addictions. Good Goddamn it feels awesome to be truthful with myself. And now it's time to move towards the positive, to keep with the general flow as of late. Thank you Rumi, once again, for your insight.
I've also come to realize that I have virtually no life at all. This is good because I've had so much time to think that I'm actually figuring things out (kinda)! I'm also learning a lot about history and early American Civilization, which is really opening my eyes to a lot of things. I have a humanities class (AMERICAN CIVILIZATION), which the professor has taken as, "HEY, let's have two hour discussions and write a paper every week about whatever we feel." I've been coinciding our dates and history discussions with my reading of A People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn. So far this has proved dynamic, and compliments one another quite perfectly.
P.S. I think that becoming a Senator or Representative should literally be a prison sentence, where their sole job is a community service of holding that position. That way we only get people that care so much about what needs to be done that they'll actually put up with being in prison to do what needs to be done.
Today is also my second day of not smoking. Yesterday was so much worse than today. I'm still jittery, but it's probably from the coffee which I needed to keep my hands busy. I was a 1 pack a day smoker so that's at least 5 dollars a day in the Great Lakes State, or in other words $150 dollars a month. Believe it or not, that extra $150 a month is going to help me so much. I may actually be able to go away for spring break like I had been hoping to do And my lungs, jeez, they have been so pissed at me! Yesterday when I didn't smoke my mind said to my body, "HEY YOU LITTLE FUCKER. I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. I CONTROL YOUR FUNCTioNS. TODAY YOU WILL NOT FUNCTiON IF I DOn'T GET MY FIX!" But my lungs were screaming, " HEY! AIR?!?! FRESH AIR?!? THANKS, DUDE* ".
*But fuck you for making me put up with this shit for so long.
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