Afterword

We shipped our kids off to my mother-in-law’s for the night and drove out past the gorge to Dalles Mountain Ranch in Columbia Hills Historical State Park. The wildflowers were in bloom and the cloud cover kept us cool. It was very peaceful, and it felt good to burn some calories in preparation for a well-earned beer.

My car is 13 years old and recently turned over 150,000 miles. I got it used in 2013 with 55k miles on it, so I’ve done fewer than 10k miles per year, including several cross-country trips. It’s been a great car with very few issues, but it’s showing its age and I’m debating if I should put the $4k in repairs it needs into it or get something else. I’ve loved not having a car payment the last 5 years, but I also don’t want to keep sinking money into it. Keeping it would cost $6k over two years, including gas. An electric would cost $10k after incentives over the same period.

For the last five years or so, I’ve used the space next to my driveway for raised beds. I’ve got a 3,100 gallon rain cistern in my backyard and I hand dug a trench to the front yard for my drip irrigation system.

It’s worked pretty well, but there are pros and cons. For starters, the beds are pretty close to the driveway, and my wife already ripped my bumper off once and tried to pass it off as if nothing ever happened (I caught it on camera). That was just a one-off incident, thankfully.

Another negative is that I’ve had kids cutting through my side yard on the way to the light rail or on their way home from school. They’ve trampled my pumpkins and zucchini squash a handful of times, and it’s pretty annoying to have put in so much work to grow a few healthy plants from seed only to have them trampled under foot by a careless teenagers.

I’ve also had little old ladies stop by and help themselves to some tomatoes, which isn’t a huge concern, but it does feel a little weird to know my neighbors regularly steal from my garden. I’d gladly give them the food if they’d just ask. In fact, I’ve put extra food out with a “take me” sign before.

But really, I’d like to use that space along my driveway for something else someday. I’ve had this crazy idea for a while now to make our house look a bit like an old craftsman by converting the garage into living space and a front porch.

If we do decide to go through with the renovation, I’d like to shift our driveway to the right to make room for a walkway to the entrance. Since our backyard is so shaded, that leaves my front lawn as a new location for our garden beds. This poses a couple of issues though.

First, I’d have to get the beds moved pretty soon; something I’m not really looking forward to doing in the dead of rainy season. Another issue is the situation with the rain cistern and having to figure out a new solution since the underground pipes can’t really traverse the underside of the driveway and would need to go around the other side — loads of work that could be done later, but a job I don’t want to do. Finally, there’s the issue of my lawn and the appropriate way to retire it without making my yard a complete mess and nuisance.

I’m not sure I have the time, energy, budget, or motivation to tackle all of this. It’s a hobby, and one I quite enjoy, but the food is merely supplemental and the cost-benefit ratio can get out of hand fairly quickly if one’s not careful. Yet I don’t want to give it up.

Maybe some interim solutions will present themselves in my brainstorming, but right now, I’m coming up short as to how best to approach the issue.

We had some wind last night and it knocked out our electricity at around 1 a.m. My son was already sleeping in our bed, but my daughter woke up screaming bloody murder and wouldn’t go back to sleep, so I had to bring her into our bed as well.

The worst part about power outages is that I can’t sleep without my CPAP machine anymore. I have a battery for it to get me by, but I must not have charged it after camping last summer. I got another hour out of it before I was awakened again not being able to breathe.

I had to get creative because I needed sleep. I had an early morning meeting today and needed to get the kids to daycare/preschool earlier than normal since my wife is still in California and couldn’t help.

I started my car, plugged in an inverter into the cigarette lighter, and ran two extension cords connected together from my car and upstairs to my CPAP machine. I got a few more hours of sleep before I had to start getting ready for the day.

I got enough sleep to get by, but I’m charging my big back-up battery in case it happens again.

This morning, I accidentally bumped my HomePod while cleaning off the desk and some music started. Land Locked Blues by Bright Eyes came on, from his 2005 album I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning. It’s making me nostalgic. That is about the time I stopped listening to Bright Eyes and stopped buying CDs altogether.

I was 24 that year. It was before smart phones became popular, and 2005 was about a year after I got my first iPod. I still actively managed my library for a few more years, but that slowly started to change as streaming became more popular.

My music listening habits are so much more random since streaming became a thing. I struggle to even answer when people ask “who’s your favorite band?” or “what kind of music do you listen to?” I miss the more intentional nature of it all when I’d manage an actual library, even if it wasn’t in the form of physical media.

I have tried to go back at times and explored the underground and alternative music that I didn’t have the privilege of knowing or experiencing in my younger years before the Internet, and in this way, I love the archeological digging and discovering. However, that takes a lot of work and patience because it’s really easy to find a shinier new object of my affection, however fleeting.

I don’t think breadth of content has improved anything about the experience for me. If anything, it’s too easy to push things aside without giving them a chance and I don’t listen to entire albums very often anymore.

I’ve toyed around with having my own library again on a Plex server, but adding new music is not easy, and if we’re being honest, it can get expensive in a way that feels unnecessary. Also, I have so many other things going on in my life that I don’t have a lot of down time to manage it. But these are just excuses. If it were important enough for me, I’d make it happen.

It’s entirely likely that the shift in music medium has caused a psychological shift in me in such a way that I care much less about music now than I once did. If I sit with that feeling for any amount of time, I feel a little guilty about it.

All this to say, music feels very cheap to me these days. It’s everywhere in abundance and therefore it feels much less valuable. As a musician myself, this feels strange to admit, but it’s what I feel in my gut. I don’t have a solution, but I wish it were different.

I want that feeling of freedom again, driving around on the first warm day of the year with the windows down, listing to my favorite album. I want that feeling of finding an album and it becoming the soundtrack that defines a season, a year.

Recently I got into the world of management and I’ve noticed e-mails coming my way in the evenings and on the weekends from director types and such.

I am committed to my job and enjoy the work, but I’m not sorry to say that I’m not getting into a habit of responding to emails on Friday night, midday Saturday, etc.

What I did do yesterday was take my two young ones to a birthday party at Conestoga Recreation Center and ran around a gym for a couple hours while they had the time of their lives. We had a lot of fun and we all got some exercise playing soccer, basketball, etc.

My wife leaves for a trip to California today to visit her grandparents and I will be very busy with the kids by myself until Wednesday night. I’m happy she’s going but also a little bit jealous. We’ll be good, though.

I slept in until about 8 this morning and watched some Italian IPTV after I blogged a bit about our trip planned for later in the year. I’ve been trying to get into the mindset.

Our friend offered to watch our kids for a couple hours, so we took her up on it so that me and my wife could go to the gym. We went for a swim. I tried to talk her into doing laps outside, but we only made it one lap before she was too cold, so we went back inside and soaked in the salty indoor pool and then hot tub.

I made a single serving friend named John who was in his 70s and seemed lonely, so we talked a bit. He spoke of his nearly 30 years at Intel as a project manager of some sort, how he tried to retire many times but it just wasn’t the right time and his job kept offering him more flexibility and money. He’d take summers off with his wife and go sailing around Norway and Sweden, spent a lot of time in Mexico, etc.

He’d recently had heart surgery and was trying to get back into being a little more active, and his doctor told him that exercising in the pool was good, low-impact activity.

It’s hard for me not to envision myself at the end of my life speaking similarly, having similar experiences. Not that I felt sorry for him; he had lived a good life. But with every sentence I imagined myself near the last 10% of my life and looking back and I imagined myself missing the time I am in now.

My kids are still so young but I don’t want the time to move any quicker right now. They are the loves of my life and I don’t even like being away from them. I hope that I am able to provide them a life they can look back on with fondness, to see me as someone they are proud of.

I am in a bit of a winter funk right now, but they bring me joy. We are heading out the door for a birthday party for some of my wife’s friends’ kids, at a recreation center. They’ve rented out the gym. Hopefully chasing around some kids will help shake off the blues. If not, I’ve got a date with the treadmill later.

Before the holidays, I had my first phone conversation with a distant cousin I connected with on one of those genetic testing sites. I don’t make it a habit of reaching out to complete strangers with loose genetic ties, but I had been looking for Italian family on my father’s side in the United States and he had the same surname as my my paternal grandmother before she got married. I didn’t have a relationship with my father, so I didn’t have the benefit of having direct family introductions. So I sent him off a message and we’ve been connected for a few years now.

William lives down in the Berkley area, so it’s nice we’re in the same time zone. He’s in his 60s, has been married for many years, and has kids and grandkids. Our connection is that his grandfather was siblings with my great grandmother Louisa. My great grandmother’s parents moved to Iron, Wisconsin from Italy for a better life and there were a lot of mining jobs there and in Michigan’s upper peninsula in the early 1900s. That’s how one side of my Italian family got here.

Anyway, I spoke to William on the phone and we talked about his trips to Italy that I’d seen him posting about on Facebook. He’d posted some photos about his trips to the Dolomites (3 times per year!) where our Italian family is from. We exchanged a few messages and he decided to just call me up on Facebook Messenger instead of typing it all out. It was nice to have a real conversation with someone I’ve never met in real life but for whom I’ve grown to appreciate from afar.

He knew that me and my wife were planning a trip to Italy in late spring, so he wanted to give me tips. I told him of our tentative plans and he guided us to some better decisions, even connecting us with a personal friend and mutual family in Cadore. Two sides of my family are from Vigo di Cadore, and he gave me the details of a great Air BnB the next town over.

I took a sneak peak of the town on Google Street View and the walls of mountains surrounding that area are both majestic and intimidating. The town is Lorenzago di Cadore and I think we’re going to book the apartment this week.

The way Italian citizenship works through the Jure Sanguinis (citizenship by descent) is that if you weren’t born there you have to register in the comune (town) of your last Italian ancestor, so I’m registered up in Vigo di Cadore, right next door. From family records, I have the address of the place where my great grandparents lived and the cemetery where they’re buried. Although they emigrated to the U.S., they ultimately didn’t end up liking it here and moved back!

I’m excited to finally get to visit the area. We are lucky to have my parents watching the kids for us while we’re away for 10 days, which will be strange for sure, but this will be our first vacation alone of any length in 5 years since having our son. We love to hike and are really looking forward to some mid-elevation hikes in the Dolomites for a few days before we head south. I hear the people are nice and welcoming, and the family I still have there sound excited to meet distant family who were descended from the Italian diaspora of the early 20th Century.

Things are feeling more real and I’m looking forward to my first international adventure since 2007. Hopefully many more to come.

I had my last cigarette 7 years ago yesterday. Since that time, I've saved something like $25,000 in direct costs and have hopefully added years to my life. I don't write about this anniversary for praise or pats on the back, but instead to honor myself and explore my own feelings on the subject, which are complex.

Avoiding lung cancer and saving money are of course two of the biggest motivations most people cite for wanting to quit smoking. But what nonsmokers might not realize is that many smokers experience profound psychological stress about their addiction, which in my case was what ultimately motivated me enough to successfully quit for good. I wanted to write a bit about this experience.

Over the course of my life, I've heard countless people express their disdain for smokers, writing off nicotine addiction as a mere habit. These same people paint smokers with a broad brush, characterizing them as low-life, selfish people who could quit at any time if only they'd exhibit a little self control and motivation. I think this thought process is severely flawed and shows incredible ignorance. While some people can more easily quit than others, this is rare and fails to take into account epigenetic and environmental differences.

It's well documented that nicotine is highly addictive, and the human brain changes dramatically as a result of its continued use. For example, nicotine receptors increase over time and addicted smokers have billions (yes, billions) more nicotine receptors than non-smokers, making it increasingly difficult to quit the longer one smokes. Furthermore, this deep chemical addiction causes new neural pathways to form in the brain as a result behavioral associations, reinforcing the chemical addiction.

It's a fact that most smokers want to quit, but the vast majority are unsuccessful. For example, around 70% of U.S. smokers say they would like to quit, while 55% have actually attempted quitting in the last year but have failed. As a result of this intense desire to quit, it's not uncommon for smokers to live in denial of the bodily harm being caused by the simple act of inhaling and exhaling smoke hundreds of times per day. For me, this denial was a defense mechanism against the deep existential dread I would feel if allowed to dwell on the reality of my addiction.

Perhaps even more depressing is that smoking addiction in low-income populations perpetuates intergenerational poverty and poor mental health outcomes. This is because low-income smokers will prioritize smoking over getting higher order human needs and goals met, such as the human needs for safety, food, social belonging, love, and self-esteem, or life goals such as improving their economic situation. Although the bodily harm caused by smoking is much slower than hard drugs, its legality and availability at every corner store makes it virtually impossible to break free.

In my own case, the cognitive dissonance I experienced over 15 years of failed attempts to quit was intense and certainly took a mental and financial toll. Like other smokers, I desperately wanted to quit, not just to improve my health, but to improve my life. I felt that smoking was the major hurdle to reaching my goals and life potential, but I just couldn't get off the treadmill. At one point in my 20s, I was making around $6.50 per hour and was charging my cigarettes to a high interest credit card (25% APY) that ultimately had around $2,000 on it at its highest point ($3500 in today's dollars).

The life consequences beyond health impacts were real as well. Being a smoker severely limited my relationships, most notably my career and dating prospects, and I internalized that as both shame and resentment. Consequently, I went to great lengths to hide that I was a smoker, especially from those for whom I had great respect or romantic interest. I would wear nicotine patches before and during job interviews or dates, trying to keep the smell of smoke off of me, only to light up immediately afterword. I gained a reputation among friends and colleagues as being aloof and clandestine as I frequently absconded from work and social situations to sneak in a cigarette. It's all really silly to me now, but mostly it's just sad that it had such a hold on me.

Now that I've quit, I certainly enjoy no longer smelling like an ashtray and not having to hide parts of myself from coworkers and other people due to embarrassment. I no longer feel like a pariah. I don't lose my breath going up a few flights of stairs. I probably sleep better. I can certainly tell the vast improvement to my breathing. But there have also been negative consequences as a result of quitting, too.

Most notably, I have gained quite a bit of weight. I was always a healthy weight as a smoker but I gained 40 lbs after quitting, pushing me into the obese category. This has taken its toll on my self-esteem, energy, and motivation. I have also noticed changes in how people treat me as a result of my physical changes, which can be pretty sad thinking how superficial our world has become.

I'm proud of myself, but my next goal is to continue working on my mindset. In 2024, I want to work on self acceptance while making small but steady improvements in my physical health through achievable goals and habits. And for those on a similar journey, I wish you strength, health and wellness in the new year.

I'm just not feeling the holiday spirit this year. Both my kids are young and I am trying to show up for them. I even saved up quite a bit of cash to pay for toys and gifts and take some of that stress off us, but I just can't get in the mood.

I think more than anything, I'm feeling tired of Oregon and feeling the pull to move back to Michigan. We’ve outgrown our house and feel trapped due to prices and interest rates. Looking at real estate back in the Midwest looks like a bargain. The pay isn’t even that different in my field, and we’d have a huge down payment if we sold our current house to buy there. It’s even more appealing to me also because my family lives there. But I can’t convince my wife.

Take for example this house:

It’s in an affluent suburb with good schools, in a major metro area with good jobs in my field. A house like this barely even exists in Oregon, and the ones that do would cost double what this one is listed for. Here in Oregon, we live in a tiny place in a less desirable location despite being in a higher income group. It’s crazy to me what is unavailable to us given our education and income levels. We worked so hard to get where we are and barely feel we can get ahead. Why people stay here is beyond me.

We had a very busy but fun weekend with the kids celebrating the holiday season.

We went and saw Santa Claus in North Plains on Saturday, and then went to Steeplejack Brewing for pizza. Then, on Sunday, we went to the SHARC for swimming and later went to Zoo Lights at the Oregon Zoo.

Lately, both of my kids have been learning so much and it’s intense seeing them grow before my eyes.

No. 1 is 4 and has known his ABCs and how to count for a while now, but he’s become so articulate, annunciating every letter perfectly (no elemenopee anymore). He’s also counting into the 40s and higher when reminded of the starting digit. Even more impressive are the questions he’s beginning to ask. Existential questions, and reflecting on complex topics, even accompanied by sadness and even anguish when speaking of loss. Wow.

No. 2 is 23 months and is saying short sentences and asserting her personhood by claiming ownership of things and not shying away from telling you what’s up, especially to “stop it” when something is bothering her. It won’t be long until she’s speaking in full sentences and becoming her own person, too. In addition to playing with the magnet tiles and more traditional “boy toys”, she’s dressing up and playing with dolls, unprompted or promoted by us, which is just so different from our son’s preferred toys, even though he had access to all the same things she does when he was her age.

Parenthood is a trip and I love it. Hard, yes, but awesome in all the best ways.

Real estate prices have been going down a little, but affordability is still a major issue. For example, a 984 sq. ft. house with 3 bedrooms and 2 baths in my area just sold for $400k.

To put this price into perspective at current interest rates, a buyer would need an annual household income of about $120,000 to qualify with 5% down.

The median income for a family of 4 in the Portland region is $114,400. Median income for all households was $81,149 in 2021, according to the Oregon Employment Department.

You would have to be in about the top 85th percentile of households in terms of income to afford this home in today’s market. The payment would be about $3,100 per month on a standard 30-year mortgage.

• The kids are watching a movie (Spy Kids: Armageddon) and my wife is off with her girlfriends paddle boarding. We’re winding down after a somewhat stressful week while DW gets some much needed time for herself.
  
  
• I finished a big report I was writing for work early in the week, a few weeks early no less, so I feel like I can release some of the extra anxiety that has been burdening me unnecessarily. I’ve also been waiting on some pretty important work news since May and I still haven’t gotten any word about it. As a result, I haven’t been sleeping the best again and it’s made for some tougher days than normal, especially with the kids.
  
  
• My daughter was sick and throwing up earlier in the week, so I ended up not working on Tuesday and just taking care of her. It was nice to spend some one-on-one time with her like I did with my son when he was her age. She got over her stomach bug pretty quickly, thankfully.
  
  
• I actually picked up a couple new pieces of clothing. I have a habit of not spending much money on myself in this respect. I don’t know why I’m surprised when I look back at pictures from a few years ago and see myself wearing something that is still in my current wardrobe. So this week I made it a point to go through my things and pull out some stuff that I’m not super thrilled to be wearing anymore and bagged it up to donate. I went up to Marshall’s and actually found a pair of jeans from a brand I like (Madewell) for about 1/5th the cost of new. I like this brand because they don’t use logos and the cuts seem to fit me well.
  
  
• It’s the last day of summer and my favorite time of the year in this part of the world. We’ve been having some pretty clear days, which have been fairly warm and clear but not too hot. Rain is on the horizon, so I’m soaking it up.
  
  
• Halloween is right around the corner and we are all planning on going around the neighborhood dressed up as the Mystery Inc. gang from Scooby-Doo. I am wanting to construct a Mystery Machine out of cardboard, some paint, and a wagon. So I should probably get started on that maybe this weekend. My son and I picked up some decorations from Home Depot, including a nearly full-size skeleton that we hung on the front of the house. I’m also growing some pumpkins for the very first time. The largest of the two appears to be slowly turning orange.
  
  
• I am feeling pretty good heading into the holidays coming up. I have been diligent about putting away a little money here and there for Christmas so we can hopefully just enjoy the season and not stress out about money or over-extending ourselves and putting things on credit.
  
  
• I got a few small things done around the house despite not getting my drywalling project in the kitchen done. I swapped out the valve for the bathroom shower so it no longer drip drip drips! I also fixed the door to my daughter’s room so it doesn’t stick when you open or close it. This was a pain when we’d just put her to bed and the door would squeak when we attempted to leave the room, sometimes waking her up. Used a huge 6” cabinet screw in place of a hinge screw to bring it truer. Good to have these small annoyances taken care of. Hoping to make more progress on the drywall project this week.