Category: Uncategorized

The last few days its been inhumanely cold. 0 degrees, 3 degrees, -4 degree windchill, etc.
today when i walked out the front door i bundled, but no gust blew me over.
It feels like it's thirty degrees and it almost feels like fucking spring after the REAL cold.

Today and yesterday were my days off, and I haven't had a pair of days off since august. At first I almost felt dirty that I really didn't have anything that I should be doing. I paced around. Went to a matinee with shaun (Closer, only because The Life Aqauatic isn't here yet, damnit). Drank myself to oblivion. I really shouldnt have done that because my head is now aching to the sound of the keyboard clicks. clicks. clicks.

Hear that? That's the sound of history repeating itself.

Benny burned me William Shatner's newish CD, which is played rather regularly now. Surprisingly good. Scary.
And for some reason I've been listening to old Brand New. Oxymoron. I'm losing it. Anyway, it fits right in with winter. Deja Entendu is a great album.

Ah, my island universe.

Happy Holidays

I've moved so much, and moving around is degenerative to my goal. But the idea of a Hindi sannyasi has really been intriguing me lately. I know I don't have the balls to just up and leave right now, but maybe if I was forced into a position where I had little to no material possessions, then I'd really have no choice. I want to be more self-explorative. Being soft with all of its distractions (e.g having a car, house, music, job, school) has a way of making you forgot about what it really means to be alive. I always think about that one greasy spoon scene in Pulp Fiction when John Trevolta and Samual L are fighting over the fact that Trevolta wants to become a traveling holy man or whatever. Samual proclaims that he'd be a bum if he did that.

Would I be a bum?
I don't think so. I don't think bums try to better themselves spiritually in any way. Maybe some do, but I'm thinking the vast majority are just people who couldn't get a grasp on their alcoholism, lost their jobs/homes, etc. I bet if you handed them a million dollars, they wouldn't be on the streets anymore.
When the H.S. guidance counselor asks "what kind of job would you do if you had a million dollars?" no one ever says "I want to be a sannyasi." That's because the sannyasi needs nothing. He especially does not need money.

I also noticed something today. All the young people in the midwest are so uncertain. The only thing they ARE certain about is that they're leaving. But it's always someday. tomorrow. mañana. a lovely word, and one that probably means 'heaven'. a heaven that will always be one day away.

But yes, I'd like to leave. Maybe just a vacation. If I could save up enough money to eat for the summer, maybe i could go. I dunno.

i wanna jump, jump, jump!
back like stargazing
a rhythmic thump. thump.
with a plastic-soled shoe
you're plastic-souled, too.
shush the books you read
go on pontificating, dude

OKAY.
HI.

Can anyone empathize with this: when things are going really well you just feel like fucking everything up on purpose so it won't be so goddamned ordinary anymore? That's how I feel.

goodnight.

people, please answer:

1. who is your cell phone provider?

2. are you satisfied with your service? pros/cons?

i was recently with sprint for about a year and a half and for the most part i was satisfied. hardly ever was i left without digital service, even during my drive from michigan to california. i may be needing a phone again soon so i'm checking into my options.

"I have an existential map.  It has 'you are here' written all over it."

-Stephen Wright

 

I used to have a friend that would tell me 'ignorance is bliss'.  He would then go on to describe his ideal circumstance in being blissfully ignorant, painting a picture of himself nearly comatose in a wheelchair on the front lawn of his home, watching the sprinkler go back and forth with unending interest as he lay drooling on himself.  At the time  we both thought that we were pretty smart people.  Quoting books and reciting dry comedy, trying to one-up eachother with the newest record we had found, making sure to learn all the lyrics before showing it off.  We were like sponges.  Little asshole know-it-all sponges.  The funny part about being a know-it-all is that you don't realize how naive you really are.  You don't realize how much more there is to experience.  You just go on thinking the way you do, in your own little world.  With this I don't mean that we weren't open to experience.  But what happens is that you start to get so engrained in patterns of thinking that you tend to not look beyond those views.  Content with what you know.  Comfortable.  Confident.  For example, we used to be so angry at organized religion.  Not so much the religion itself but the people and their dogmas.  Especially people who claimed and preached a particular religion. They who looked down their noses at people who were not like themselves, and then had the audacity to not follow their own convictions.  The comedy of it all is that we were just as hypocritical as they.  And we secretly looked down our noses at them.  On a side note, this reminds me of something my friend Ashley once said to me:

"We all jerk off about how smart we are sometimes without there ever really being anything sexy about the idea."

Anyway, what I'm getting at is that we were and still are very ignorant.  The difference between the me of yesterday and myself of today is that I realize it.   I could never begin to imagine the scope, but that doesn't mean I don't know it's there.  I don't think there is such a thing as pure ignorance, so it must not be the key to bliss.  Even my dog has memory.  And I'm assuming that even at the level of retardation described above, one must be as egocentric as an infant, but also must know the displeasure of yearning for the unattainable. Even if those feelings can't be formulated into a way we can understand. (Why does the sprinkler go back and forth all day long?)

What about love?  Plato said that Love is nothing but the longing, and once you've attained it, it is no longer love.  I dunno.  Zen?  Meditation?  Enlightenment?  It's hard to maintain your composure when an SUV cuts off your compact on the highway.  And unless I want to cut all ties to everything and everyone I know and hide away in the jungle (where I don't have to pay property taxes), I can't find these things very functional.  Wait, forget everything I just said.  I just found bliss.  It involved a drive-thru, sit-com reruns and Tetris.  And a nap.

Goodnight.

"He found that he was often angry…that they were satisfied with their lives which had none of the vibrance his own was taking on. And he was angry at himself, that he could not change that for them."
– Lois Lowry's The Giver

had a pretty damn good weekend at the new place. can't wait to move down for sure. started painting my room, with two colors…one green, the other….is getting painted over. paint is expensive and i can't afford follies like this.

my roomates are awesome, so far. i think it will work out just fine but i guess i'll see how things go in the long run. met two new people, one beautiful, and the other has real personality. too bad that machine from the movie The Fly isn't around…they could jump in together and come out as one…

bad news though: i live pretty much next door to a pub, aka…i'm probably going to be drunk a lot.

today i went to ABC warehouse and asked them how much it would be to install a car stereo. they said 40 bucks, plus 30 bucks for parts, plus tax, etc. 80 dollars? bullshit. these guys are scam artists.

instead, i bought a cd player wiring harness for ten bucks, did some fiddlin' and viola! 20 minutes later i have my cd player in my protege, which i've been driving for almost a month now with only NPR [and on good nights, MSU college radio]. i drove around for two hours just listening to some of the cd's i've aquired in the last three weeks. man it feels good. should have seen the moon and the clouds! beautiful night. 66 degrees. perfect.

so yeah, a 96 protege. a slight upgrade from the last hooptie. leon the neon is officially dead and gone. but part of him will live on [the transmission!] in someone else's ride. yay. i'll miss you good buddy!

"I like too many things and get all confused and hung up running from one falling star to another til I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion." – Jack Kerouac.

yep, i'm jack reincarnate.

1. habit m akes us happy h.abit makes us /////



                    sad it's  so simple to say  so <hard to remember to stay aw ake on the drive h .ome¹ or to our  graves  it feels the .same  faith f ul evenings tunnel vision routine conque.rs  decision sam e left onto riverside ffrom turn to open eyes coltrane hits the note th at  opens from ano. ther side anothe r shot three cheers for com pre hension from the road down to the riverbed from the point w here it is fed to. the lake where moti.on's dead //suicide but habit makes us happy habit makes us s  ad so easy to go on living so hard to  remember reason.s

                                  ¹ is+where the h eart is 

So, I'm applying for a student loan through my credit union.  It's for a car, but shhh, they don't need to know that.  Full coverage insurance is blow-me-away expensive.  Well, as it turns out you need to list assests.  As of current, my assests are as follows:

• Paul Reed Smith CE 22 Maple Top, appraised @ $1200


• 300 albums @ resale average $3 = $900


• 2 Hermann Miller shell chairs @ $100 each = $200

Dude, I don't think they'll let me have a loan.

has anyone really mastered the art of being alive? with this i mean, to live entirely unscathed by the world around them no matter how grim it may look. i figure there are two ways in which people may do this. theres the grabbing-life-by-the-balls-and-twisting type of lifestyle and then theres the passive, let-the-chips-fall-where-they-may, happy-go-lucky lifestyle. between those two realms must lie a huge gap that many people fall into. whether it be keeping up with the jones' or being immersed in loneliness, people snuggle confortably with routine. addictively safe settings in which they live out their lives practically comatose.

at night i listen to jazz on npr and drive around. i wind through the countryside, along the rivers, around blocks of corn and wheat and i just chill. it's my time to collect myself. sometimes i stop to watch deer in the fields or look up at the stars. other times i just drive and look at houses, crazed by the number of dull-blue windows there are. all those people glued to their television sets. sure, sometimes i'm no better. i can hang with the best of them online. i get lonely sometimes being way out here in no man's land. not having anyone similar near me is kind of intimidating at times. but for the most part i think i'm really happy. as for the previously stated opinions on mastering life, no, i haven't pinned it down. but i think i fall closer to the latter of the two. things change. i'm content with that. i like things to get stirred up a bit. people move away, people change. things die, others are born. renewal. keeps things interesting.

but what i really wonder about are all those people that have lost all curiosity for life. they replace thought with religion, put way too much emphasis on their own beliefs instead of respecting others', and get far too caught up in material things. with this i think they sacrifice their lives. what we are made to do they somehow ignore when 'everybody loves raymond' comes on. or when they are forced to have an opinion, they always take the safe approach [maybe as to not be ostracized by the church? or be tagged anit-american?]. i am not saying that i am perfect. i'm just saying that i'm curious. i'm mostly light-hearted, too. why is everyone so serious? why is everyone so seriously dull?

^moving

somehow i don't have an arm in this picture.

the von bondies, lack of communication has been on repeat.

i ccan feel my life slowing down like a top that's lost all its momentum. for the first time since i can remember, i think i'm okay with that. ties are cut, bridges have been burned, new roadways [being] built. trying to focus on my next few steps instead of looking so far into the haze that i don't realize the life around me. it's been that way for far too long.

i want to buy a house…and i want to channel all my creative energy into it..fixing it up and put a little studio in the basement for no one but myself and my closest. so i shall start saving money. just put it away and not think about it so when i'm READY, it'll be there.

i'm moving into a townhouse real quick here, within the next few weeks. my roomates have already signed the papers…i just got to get down to lansing and sign 'em. and look for a new job…

another change in my life to look back on. but i have a feeling this one will be hugely positive.

I canceled my Sprint account. Time to start saving an extra sixty-two dollars a month. At the end of this month you will only be able to reach me at my home or by e-mail. I figured it was about time to start saving some money, seriously. I kind of like the idea of being somewhat disconnected anyway.

Today I woke up and decided I was going to donate plasma.
On the way I stopped by work to request next weekend off so I can go up to Sleeping Bear Dunes/Lake Michigan for some rustic camping with Jonathan and crew…much to my surprise, I actually got the weekend off. One last attempt at a good time this summer.

As for the plasma donation:

I spent about 3 hours getting set up with tests and paper work and waiting and getting hooked up to a machine that sucked my blood out, extracted my plasma, and then pumped my red blood cells back into my body. It went throught this cycle about 12 times while I watched the clock and read a rolling stone I found in the waiting room…laughing at the sorry excuses for critique and wondering why they call it 'donating plasma' when they pay you to do it. All in all it wasn't so bad, althought a little tedious pumping my arm and watching the container slowly fill with a funny yellow substance that came from my body. When I was done I didn't feel too bad. I was just a little bit dizzy, but i got my 25 bucks cash and continued to my car. I got on the expressway, at which point I started to feel really sick. I hadn't eaten anything all day and I'm guessing that's not a good thing to do when you're having fluids taken from you. I stopped at a gas station in Alma to put something in me, and I made it to the bathroom in time as to not pass out in public. But regaining consciousness on a gas station's bathroom floor with your face near the toilet isn't exactly what I consider a good time, either. I got up and drank from the sink…gulps and gulps. Bought two Gatoraids and drank to my heart's content in the parking lot while 'you can't always get what you want' by the Stones came on the radio. I felt better after about 15 minutes, but I'll be sure next time to eat something before I do anything like that again.

So in combination, between the cell phone and the plasma I'm up $87 minus $3 for Gatoraid = $84. I'm going to try and not blow it on music.

^right before my car died

^nonna's side yard
Midland (hometown_):

^revere park

^so many beautiful houses in this town

Drive to Californ-i-a (Coachella):

^somewhere, arizona

^trev @ grand canyon. he found his spirit animal, which he later killed and ate.

^april on cliff: "Gabe, you ok??"

^the two biggest dorkmasters you'll ever meet. yeah, trevor's wearing a wool skirt because it was about 30 degrees out that morning. southern arizona was about 95.

^trev/grand canyon morning.

'piss on texas'

yeah, we rode 4-deep in a honda civic, cross-country

^finally there. i think you can read the enthusiasm on my face

^fried


^i think this was during …trail of dead

'art'


gabe-drunk

so·ci·o·path
n.
One who is affected with a personality disorder marked by antisocial behavior

I've been trying an experiment lately.

Instead of writing people off. Instead of going into a situation always expecting the worst. Instead of being cynical. Instead of hating…

Smile.

The Tower
Position: Self
Main (positional) Meaning:
Significant change is brought about rapidly and unexpectedly.

The card in the Self position reveals aspects of how you perceive yourself right now.

The Tower represents a rapid, creative charge that is unplanned and uncontrollable but presents a brilliant opportunity for transformation. Because of circumstances beyond your control, you have no choice.

Try not to judge whether this development is good or bad. You won't know for awhile whether this was the worst disaster that ever happened or a significant breakthrough. It could be a combination of both.

Two of Coins
Position: Situation
Main (positional) Meaning:
Resist the impulse to join those around you who are becoming polarized in opposing camps.

The card that lands in the Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time.

When the Two of Coins is in this position, you may be surrounded by people who are busy taking sides. If so, resist the impulse to join either camp. Some people with a need to be in control may jump to conclusions. You do not have to join them, however, or take a position one way or the other.

Ask yourself — are all the facts in yet? Or do unknowns still govern the day? If you are patient, you will spare yourself grief, while truth reveals itself in its own good time. Don't let fear have its way with you — you may discover the situation was never as serious as it seemed.

Queen of Swords
Position: Challenges/ Opportunities
Main (positional) Meaning:
Champion your own needs; put some distance between yourself and those who would hamper your progress.

The card that lands in the Challenges/Opportunities position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones.

With the Queen of Swords in this position, improve your ability to balance your needs against the pressures of other people's expectations. To turn this challenge into an opportunity, develop some enthusiasm for spending more time with yourself, making the pivotal decisions in your own life, and living directly with the consequences of your choices.

Become your own best advocate. To help you accomplish this goal, shorten the list of people and circumstances that have the power to distract you or divert your energy. Define your boundaries. State your goals. Start acting on your own behalf.

taking everything out of my room and ripping the carpet up.
next will be filling in the holes in the walls and then paint….and then new carpet….i wonder what i should do with it. maybe should come over and help me this weekend. your room in bay city looks fanfuckingtastic.

it's funny how you don't realize something until someone brings it to your attention and from that moment on you never look at it in the same light again. it could be something you've taken for granted or just something you've never even noticed. a material object or a figure of speech or even your own personality. and suddenly you can't help but notice it. your thought pattern completely changes from that moment on. i guess this would be the definition of epiphany.

my car died yesterday. it was sad to see leon the neon on the side of the road, smoking out of the hood. but i just sat on the trunk and looked at the open fields and the clouds and waited for the wrecker. it's events like this that make me happy that i have family around to help. if i move to some distant corner of the globe, i'd be completely alone and things like this would have to be dealt with entirely on my own. when the wrecker came he just hooked a chain up to the front and pulled me a couple miles down the road to a mechanic. i got to steer my car while he pulled and it was kind of fun. poor car. we've been through a lot together. i know it's ugly as sin and it's probably the worst car on the road, but it has lasted so long despite so much tragedy. twice i packed all of my belongings into that thing and risked mountain passes, snow, lightning, wind, deer…traveled cross-country when it had no business doing so…pushed it to the limit and it rarely let me down. so many memories. trips to the beach. love making. the music that has been through those speakers…even the tiny hint of makeup that's still on the visor from when angie used to use the little mirror for applications on the fly.

today was the day i swallowed the lump in my throat,

walked in

and gave her my number.

oh, julay.

DETROIT BASKETBALL

detroit city, what, mothafucka.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so depressed and I'm sorry if I contribute to that. My life has more or less been spent raising you guys. Quite a bit of that time by myself, which didn't leave a whole lot of time for hobbies. Now that you guys are grown up and I have more time to focus on myself, I find that I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe that is part of the reason I feel depressed sometimes. Because the whole purpose of my life and existence for the last 23 years was you guys and now you don't need me anymore.

I know I haven't always been the greatest mother. I've never been a great cook and Lord knows I've not been a great housekeeper. But nevertheless, I have tried to be a good mom in other ways. I don't think you guys have ever felt unloved by me, have you?

I don't know how to help you feel better other than to tell you I'm very proud of you right now. Brian is, too. You took a little detour for a couple years, which set you back maybe a little bit from some of the other people your age, but lots of people do that, including me. I did the same thing and I didn't turn out too bad, did I? My life is a little boring, but when you get older you reach a point were life is just comfortable. I guess having so many ups and downs in my life with my dad and step dad, your dad and Jim, that at this point in my life I am just thankful my life has settled down and I don't have to go through any of that craziness anymore.

My life was always in so much turmoil, it just feels to be able to relax and not be worried all the time. I hope you can understand this.

But back to you. So you took a little detour for a while. It's not the end of the world. The important thing is that hopefully you've learned from your mistakes and you are making an effort to correct them. Just be patient. Your day to shine will come and all your hard work will pay off. I have faith in you. I know what you are capable of and I hope one day you will put us all to shame with what you've achieved. Nothing could make me happier as a mother than to see all my kids succeed in life, and I know you will. Be patient. Appreciate the good things in your life and try not to focus on what's bad. You are an extremely intelligent young man and you have a lot to be thankful for. Just keep doing like you are doing now. You are headed in the right direction. Tomorrow will look brighter, it always does.

I love you!
MOM

oh, man, the motivation it takes to leave when every weekend pumps out the same old ssshhhhhmeeeeeeeegma. will it ever be exciting again? or am i just getting old? the bed is looking much more inviting.

you know that old song by EXTREME [yes, extreme] called Hole Hearted, where they say "a circle can't fit where a square should be". I definitely feel like the circle that's just a tad too big to fit into this square that is my life.