good grief, things. things, oh things. nothing seems to come out right anymore. mute.

just finished reading a farewell to arms and i'm drinking vermouth in tribute. oh dear catherine, you would have made a wonderful wife! we truly do not get too many breaks in life. ants in a fire. we're born alone and we'll die alone. each of us.

between reading the rest of that and watching six feet under a few hours ago [ which i rented because the tapes are out now and it's a wonderful series, despite its hbo affiliation ] i'm in a pretty quiet mood. but i guess it's a good mood. catherine made me happy these last couple of days. i wish she were real!

another vermouth?

maybe everyone died?

it's all bathrooms and morphine
two for me and one for the celestine

two words i need to get more comfortable with are a)god and b)dad.

new york is so expensive. i could move there. but i'd have to work constantly just to afford rent. then i'd be stuck there. never bettering myself. but damn it sure would be a blast.

why am i so unambitious suddenly? I will sleep at any point in the day if I don't have an obligation. Maybe it's because winter is coming? i don't know but i don't like it. i feel sick. i need something. maybe i need some meth. yeah, METH! [jk]

I just burned a cd that makes me feel like I'm living in a dream.

Godspeed You Black Emperor-Slow Riot For New Zero Kanada 6
Rainer maria – put me to sleep
Mogwai – Close Encounters
Dredg – Brushstroke- An Elephant In The Delta Waves
Mars Volta – Televators
Death Cab For Cutie – We Looked Like Giants
Aloha – Liberty
Hayden – Girl of my Dreams
Elliot Smith – Say Yes
Lamb – Gabriel
Denali – You File
The Yeah Yeah Yeah's – No No No
Appleseed Cast – Fishing the Sky

gray.
gold.
more like.
gray.
darkness.
sunlight.
light
rays.
majestic.
we lie.
satis-
fied.
field's
gold.
against which.
gray.
drinking.
eachother.
delusion-
al.
albeit.
tongue-tied
clari-
ty.
black.
and white.
but gold
and gray.
comfortable.
warm.
sporatic.
rain.
wet.
dry.
hearts at.
play.
against.
a backdrop.
gold but.
gray.

"Now you're bragging, darling. Please don't brag. You're so sweet and you don't have to brag."
"I won't talk a word."
"Now you're bragging, darling. You know you don't need to brag. Just start your prayers or poetry or something when they tell you to breathe deeply. You'll be lovely that way and I'll be so proud of you. I'm very proud of you anyway. You have such a lovely temperature and you sleep like a little boy with your arm around the pillow and think it's me. Or is it some other girl? Some fine Italian girl?"
"It's you."
"Of course it's me. Oh I do love you and Valentini will make you a fine leg. I'm glad I don't have to watch it."
"And you'll be on night duty to-night."
"Yes. But you won't care."
"You wait and see."
"There, darling. Now you're all clean inside and out. Tell me. How many people have you ever loved?"
"Nobody."
"Not me even?"
"Yes, you."
"How many others really?"
"None."
"How many have-how do you say it?-stayed with?"
"None."
"You're lying to me."
"Yes."
"It's alright. Keep right on lying to me. That's what I want you to do. Were they pretty?"
"I never stayed with anyone."
"That's right. Were they very attractive?"
"I don't know anything about it."
"You're just mine. That's true and you've never belonged to anyone else. But I don't care if you have. I'm not afraid of them. But don't tell me about them. When a man stays with a girl when does she say how much it costs?"
"I don't know."
"Of course not. Does she say she loves him? Tell me that. I want to know that."
"Yes. If he wants her to."
"Does he say he loves her? Tell me please. It's important."
"He does if he wants to."
"But you never did? Really?"
"No."
"Not really. Tell me the truth."
"No," I lied.
"You wouldn't," she said. "I knew you wouldn't. Oh, I love you, darling."
Outside the sun was up over the roofs and I could see the points of the cathedral with the sunlight on them. I was clean inside and out and waiting for the doctor.
"And that's it?" Catherine said. "She says just what he wants her to?"
"Not always."
"But I will. I'll say just what you wish and I'll do what you wish and then you will never want any other girls, will you?" She looked at me very happily. "I'll do what you want and say what you want and then I'll be a great success, won't I?"
"Yes."
"What would you like me to do now that you're all ready?"
"Come to bed again."
"All right. I'll come."
"Oh darling, darling, darling," I said.
"You see," she said. "I do anything you want."
"You're so lovely."
"I want what you want. There isn't any me any more. Just what you want."
"You sweet."
"I'm good aren't I? You don't want any other girls, do you?"
"No."
"You see? I'm good. I do what you want."

I have people I know. Some are good to me. Some are good for me. Others are kind of like back drops, indifferent. Sometimes I feel alone. Sometimes I'm happy in my solitude. I know I'm not all that different than a lot of folks out there, but where are they? Sometimes I feel elite. Sometimes I feel like gum stuck to the shoe of society. Sometimes I feel like my 'friends' page is a beautiful log from a separate world to which I don't belong. A place I can only read about and not take part in.

cleaning out boxes. the nostalgia is overwhelming.

went to grand rapids last night. almost forgot how much i love that town. ended up at liz's loft, someone I haven't seen in about 2 years. really made my night because she's so carefree and cute, it just puts me in a good mood. we ended up going to a little jazz club down where the Intersection used to be [but is no longer] and it was totally bangin'. got a late start on the night, but aside from that I had a really good time. hopefully i'll be making more appearances in GR.

still don't know if florida is 100 percent right now, but I guess I'll find out on tuesday. i'd like to go. it'd give me a little break from this place. all depends on a damn pol test…because my prof. has trouble following a schedule and I have no idea when it's going to be.

Also, I got my first b+ this semester…kind of bummed me out but it was bound to happen. BARGH!

My mom just left with my brother's fiance and mother-in-law to go to the casino. I guess the chip 'n dales are there. *shudder*

*knock knock*
*yes? who is it?*
*WINTER!!! MUAHAHAHA!*

damn it be cold.

Also, I love it when pretty people get bent out of shape when you tell them that they're getting special treatment because they are pretty.

"oh whatever! they can't just like my PERSONALITY?"

Yes, but chances are, if you have a cute face and a set of boobs, people are going to do things for you that they otherwise wouldn't. Some of the coolest girls I know are fat chicks. Whatever nature didn't endow them with as far as physical beauty goes, they sure made up for in the personality dept.

But who do you think got the job? The girl with more qualifications or the cute girl with the little skirt who always seems to drop her pencil?

Who got backstage?

Who got sold alcohol when they forgot their ID?

My point is, I know this girl who has a car that always breaks down. One time she broke down on the side of the highway and she forgot her phone at home so she couldn't call for help. She figured somebody would stop and maybe give her a lift to a payphone but after half an hour of waving people down, still not a soul stopped. She had to walk 6 miles to the closest exit. The next time the car broke down, she had a friend with her. 5'9", 125lbs, gorgeous girl. 4 people stopped and asked if they needed help in the span of 15 minutes. This shit makes me sick to my stomach.

HEY ALL!
——–
Yesterday was my brothers Brad's 21st birthday but he's over in Iraq so we couldn't celebrate it with him [and alcohol is illegal over there] so if anyone wants to send him an email hello, I'm sure it would brighten his day. LiveAtIbiza@aol.com for you gracious souls.

=]

*this place is a prison
these people aren't your friends
and hailing thrills through twenty-dollar bills
and the tumblers are drained and then flooded, again and again*

unkempt and off to drink my worries away.

sometimes i think about how people put certain others on high pedestals because of wealth, 'success', how 'lucky' they are. i'm guilty too. but then i picture them on the toilet wiping their ass and that usually helps me think of them on a more human level.

the chill goes all the way to the bone tonight. hemingway in a dull corner of my room with my thoughts in northern italy and my music from iceland. i don't know what has been going on lately with me because for the most part i have been satisfied, or maybe just numb and ill-perceptive of my real feelings. i don't know where i want to be but i'm pretty sure i don't want to be here anymore. no, i don't want to be here anymore. i've picked up and left far too many times though and the next time i go somewhere, i'd like to settle in and be there for a while. this place has no spirit, no dreams. i've been asking complete strangers questions. "haven't you ever wanted to see the world?" or "wouldn't you like to live somewhere else?". the most common answers are usually, "why would i want to leave my home", or "i guess i've never thought about it.". maybe that's just the problem. i don't feel like i belong here anymore. i used to. kind of at least. the only thing attaching me to this place is money and family. i could leave and never come back if it weren't for them. if a meteor killed them all, i'd leave and stay where ever it is i go.

i'd also like a friend that appreciates me. doesn't take advantage of me. stands by my side. and of course theres love. i see a lot of people just mingling, swapping, sleeping around. i just can't do that. maybe i'll regret it when i'm old, but if i can't respect a person's mind, i cannot sleep with them. i physically cannot do it without being sickened with myself, sick to my stomach. and quite honestly, i haven't found anyone that i respect. i mean, i treat everyone pleasantly, but that doesn't mean i have to necessarily like them. it's kind of like eating what you're given to eat when you're starving to death. even if it does happen to be seafood or mushrooms.

i feel like i can't focus on today because my mind is always retrospective of good times or i'm looking prospective to things that i'd like to see happen. i often look back and i cannot for the life of me remember entire blocks of my life. because i wasn't living it. i was reliving or dreaming. i just don't think that can be healthy. but in my defense, its hard to make the best of things when theres no opportunity. and of course everyone offers up there advice. "why don't you get a job doing…" or "i know what would be perrrrfect for you…". they have no idea. i don't want to get stuck like they have. sure, everybody needs a little money to do things, to pay bills, etc, but quite frankly its not all that important to me. i'd rather be somewhere i love, at rock bottom, working my way up slowly and enjoying myself. stability really does seem appealing these days though. oh, sure, i'd love a brand new car and house and maybe a gal at my side, but is it worth the deficit? the obligation? the end? i don't think so. i'll just wait and do my time and watch the people i know get stuck, and i'll stay slow and steady, without the need for a more comfortable life right now. and when they're divorced and giving half their money to child support and half of their belongings to the significant other, i'll be laughing internally. i'm a cynical little bastard. and theres only one of them that i'd let sleep on my couch. but i don't think i'd let him get himself into that sort of mess in the first place.
funny who sticks with you when you're really in need.

hrm.
studied the night through.
no sleep yet again!
that's alright. i own psych.

if companies/corps were fair, there would be no need for unions. if they weren't profiteering gluttons, they wouldn't move their factories to foreign countries with lower/no wage laws and little-to-no enforcements on environmental issues. welcome to the horrible world of capitalism, folks. I say instead of pointing that rifle mouth of yours at forums, and instead of crossing picket lines, try standing up for civil rights and facing the people who are really at cause here–the totalitarian, Orwellian, capitalistic scum we call congress. yeah, that's right. you voted in the guy who has only made 5 votes this entire year…because he was too busy focusing on his golf game and his retirement to give two shits about anything but himself and perpetuating his progeny. he put on a smiling face for the camera, kissed a few babies in your neighborhood, so people don't even think twice…never check the records of the library of congress…probably because they're too busy running back and forth from their job they hate, trying to buy things they don't need, watching entirely too much television and basically wasting their lives focusing on material possessions.

do you have any idea why we spend so much money on defense? to protect your fat, ignorant ass? sure. to an extent. so you can earn/spend that green. but have you ever really broken it down? why do we outspend the top 10+ countries in defense? because no one gives two shits about who got the bid to build the tanks and bombers. no one questions how much these things cost. and should they? who cares about these things when they're running their kids back and forth to school. but as soon as they start investing that money into social programs…hospitals, schools, etc., people immediately want a say in how the money is spent. G-8. BINGO! I have a Bingo!

Sure, this may be over-simplifying the problem. But you know what's going on behind the scenes, even without knowing the details. It sure feeds my inner Socialist. Maybe I'm putting too much faith in the heart of common man, the common good and the humility/self sacrifice of humanity in general. So long as it is allowed for any group of people to become the Elite, there will always be a caste, a poverty, a lower, middle and upper class. Is it your God-given right to be holier than thou, richer than thou, only to be concerned with your own interest? what about love thy neighbor? what the hell ever happened to that? the golden rule? equality. revolution my friend. it will happen. and you're goddamn right I'll be a part of it.

maybe this is a little explosive for the topic at hand, but this is what it boils down to. so quit your yapping about petty issues such as unions and how they should be thankful to have a job in 'this shitty Michigan economy'. we all know the real offenders here. mega corps, capitalism, extremist fundamentalist groups, lobbyists, international relations, our reliance on oil, and this government I refer to as Oceania.

And don't even try and feed me the crap about how I should be sooo thankful to be in this country and how there are plenty of places where I'd be worse off. Ever stop to think that we're the cause for the current state of our earth's third-world nations? sure, not entirely, or all-inclusively. Nicaragua anyone? Haiti? Brazil? Or any other country in this hemisphere that isn't somehow associated with Britain. The people in Haiti are starving because all the good land in the country is owned by corps and is used so you can have a banana in your cereal. There are people in Brazil that are so malnourished due to some of our embargoes that scientists are classifying them as a different species because their brain mass has decreased in size to about 60% of a healthy homo-Sapiens'. Oh, but these are just some examples and I'm sure I could throw a few more names around [Cambodia], but I don't think [panama] that would make [puppet Israel] you think [Afghanistan] any differently.

good day.

what a long damn day.
i didn't go to bed last night so i could actually get some sleep this evening.
actually got some stuff accomplished though! amazing what you can do with an extra 8-9 hours.

so yes, the halloween weekend was pretty crazy. didn't turn out exactly as i had hoped but i guess i have no complaints. friday was nuts; trevor and i went to a sorority party…hahaha. i learned how to do the ghetto booty shake. well, not really. but i got to witness a few girls try and teach eachother. it's funny. small town frats and sororities are just a bunch of stoner/theatre majors. sho isn't like msu. sorostitutes. we managed to play a few sets in the basement, and quite well i might add.

of course the fro was a success. and the boa. .

friday night was supposed to be the big shindig at the lake but i got uninvited due to a couple specific people on the guest list. i.e…justin, kerri, angela. not that i have a problem with anyone but i'm sure i'm pretty high up on justin's 'people to kill' list. we still showed up to pay our respects to the people that love us. 20 minutes in and out, no fists thrown. a couple tears on trevor's part, but that was probably because he had more alcohol in his system than blood.

so we went instead to a bar on the lake where we proceded to drink heavily and eat…both for free mind you. it's good to know people.

back over to jonathon's for a party…played some music in the basement…while people laughed at us. too much booze.

ahh. and sleeping in until 1 on sunday.

sure makes ya feel like a winner…

another one of those days.
partied too much friday and saturday and now i'm all down; home alone.
psychology…blah.
offer to live in the house for free…tempting.
kate…cute as a button.
gaining ten pounds in a month from alcohol consumption…bad.
barely able to afford a b-day present for my mumma…sad
freshly showered/shaved…good.
laundry is almost done…bonus.
helicopters falling out of iraqi skies and making me scared for my brother's life…sick to my stomach.
i dunno. i dunno.

yes, this is my real hair.

ice-blue mercury glow on my breath's fog
and sparkling in an arched urine stream.
i've never been mesmerized by a urine stream.
not until tonight that is.
LOOK UP
no stars.
hrmph.
LOOK DOWN
dew.
oak leaves.
leaves that i know should be burning red
but the mercury light has turned them a deep lavender
CRUNCH CRUNCH
how pleasing is this?
CRUNCH CRUNCH
chilling little night this is.
oh god, what is this night.
what are my coordinates
why is my spine…
CRUNCH CRUNCH
ZIP
BREATH
one year since my last breath of such cold air
i thought i'd be so frightened…
but it's never been so comforting
and the nostalgia is so warming, unlike usual
and even the emptiness is so familiar
like i've gone beyond some point
some invisible line drawn in the sands of my life
and beyond the grave whispers "it's too late…"
BREATH
this has become all too familiar territory
emptiness is now my comrade, my patron
but it's just that certain place…you know.
not everywhere, just…..that place.
SIGH
no stars
BREATH
The buffer for sending…..love….it's streaming
The receiving…that's a long since forgotten road
if i had a cigarette i'd light it
and fill something inside me.
i'll just go through the motions like some movie star.
like james dean.
fingers to my lips in an exaggerated manner
inhale air and exhale that same familiar fog
flip my collar up and tilt my head at the cloud cover
waiting for an object. something.
maybe a comet to fall to my feet.
i'd pick it up and bounce it from hand to hand like a hot potato
and blow on it.
stick it in my pocket.
maybe give it to that person.
or throw it. as far as i can. over a fence.
CRUNCH CRUNCH
CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH