distance is a killer.

right now i feel good in a bad way.
kind of like finding out your enemy just died.
i have so much stuff to do but i've been barely able to leave the house.
barely could get out of bed today.
even at 3pm.

why does she do this to me? make me feel guilty? is it unintentional? i have so much love in my heart. but it's not romantic. i don't think i have that capacity anymore.

last night was amazing.

the open mic night was such a success, in my opinion. i ended up dropping some acid [haven't done anything like that in years] but i don't regret anything. i had a most wonderful time, something that hasn't happened in an eternity. i got to play the drums for a long time last night and this morning too. i think jonathon and i are going to start playing again, just for kicks. i might move into the house and sleep on couches…who knows…haha, it should be a good time. we'll see.

i was very surprised at some of the poems i heard, too. maybe it was just the lsd talking but it was very emotional. anyway, i got my drug use out of the way for the year. back to writing papers, panels, and studying for an exam.

So last night kicked some ass.

Didn't do a whole lot but I did go see Texas Chainsaw Massacre!
Before we went, I suggested that we get a pint of Southern Comfort. So we did and smuggled it in and spiked our cokes and got buzzed at a scarey movie. I really liked the movie and I don't normally like those types of things. Maybe it had something to do with the gorgeous babe that was the main character. Goddamnit, sex really does sell. They should make a scarey movie where some psycho murders marketing majors.

Tonight is supposed to be an open mic over at theta chi's basement. I'll probably end up going over there but I don't know if I'll read any of my stuff. I'm actually just hoping that this Hilary girl is going to be there.

Still not smoking. It's hard though when everyone you know smokes. Still pulling all A's in school, but I have a lot of shit due next week thus a lot of bullshit to do this weekend. FOCUS.

6 days smoke-free. w00t.

most wonderful seeing ashley tonight [love the leg warmers!!]. i'm so glad i know that venue is there now and that i can see shows and people semi on my level without driving my ass to detroit all the time.

i found a loft in downtown lansing and it's absfab. theres a wonderful view of the skyline directly out the back window. and such a short walk to school. here's a pic i took the other day of quaint lansing:

So this is my third day without a cigarette. I'd say I'm doing pretty good after being a 2 pack a day smoker. It's getting easier as the days go by. We'll see if I can maintain.

when i was 8 i asked my mom if i could be a punk rawk star for holloween. somehow i ended up looking like an 8 year old zz top.

fuck everything. fuck everyone.

Been pretty busy, and when I'm not being busy, I'm being lazy.

Brad has been home on leave from Iraq because of our father's death. It's been weird having the entire family under one roof. This hasn't happened in about 2 years. It's like a time warp. He also proposed to his girlfriend, gave her a big ol' ring and they're supposed to get married when he gets out of the army. weird. My little brother getting married. I guess he still has a while before he gets out but it's still unbelievable.

School is going okay, a little too much sometimes, but all good things are worth working/fighting for. I have yet to find a job so I'm really really really broke and my patience has been tried many a time.

Trevor is like my only friend anymore and we're been going out drinking like one night a week and that seems to be my only escape. And a pretty shitty escape, usually, since there is nothing but club bars here and absolutely no culture what-so-ever. I don't know how I was forged from this place, honestly.

Trying to maintain a PMA. Still accepting applications for love. Pretty frustrating when everyone is so shallow.

!!!

WOW~! Just woke up a little bit ago. Fell alseep around 11am because I really didn't get any sleep last night. I walked around the U of M campus in beautiful Ann Arbor with Ashley last night. She showed me the law library and holy smokes! That place is so beautiful! Like a lot of things there, I guess. If I ever make it to grad school, if I don't end up going someplace warm, I'm going there.

Ash is a very sweet, very intelligent girl. Pleasantly surprised. Looking forward to our next get together.

The weather is shit right now and everyone is gone, so I'm here alone and it's kind of depressing, but I'll try not to let it suck me in too far.

We picked up my brother from the airport yesterday. He flew in from Iraq on emergency leave because of the situation with my father. It's sooo good to see him!!!!!! I haven't seen him in almost a year 🙁

I can't help but feel a bit cheated. Pissed off. Half of me is you, though I don't know which half. Maybe the stubbornness and laziness or maybe the half that's always in the clouds dreaming of my next big break.

I never got the chance to find out.

With your eviscerated body came the same fate of my soul. Did you not see my eyes as a child and how they questioned "Why, why, why?!" These blue eyes that you gave to me. What went through your mind when you drove off with me chasing after, legs pumping with the hysteria of being left behind. Did you laugh at the sight of your son in the rear-view or did it make you so sick that you dared not look? I almost caught you that day, I'll have you know, and let's be glad for your sake that I didn't, for you would have felt the fury of those tiny fists and all that had been bottled would have poured from my body. I would have murdered you myself that day.

Many years have passed and I've redefined my definition of what it means to be a "man", though I'm still struggling to find myself. The truth is now, that I would not be the person I am today if you HAD been in my life. I am proud of who I have become, though my feats are few and many questions and uncertainties still remain. The labyrinth of life, I'm finding, has no right or wrong answer and all too often we concentrate on the crux, the struggle instead of focusing on love for life itself.

I never thought I'd grow up before you, but even as it were, I always thought you'd grow in some way, at some distant day and that most forgiveness would be granted, some integrity restored, and I would have at least be given an apology. A chance to speak my mind was never given. A chance for me to hand off this weight permanently to the person it's attributed to.

I wonder if your life flashed before your eyes through blood and rain and broken glass and if so, was your last revisited memory a black and white still-framed shot of me through your rear-view mirror, fists on pavement and tears on cheeks? If so, I am so infinitely sorry for you. Sorry for all of your loose ends left undone. Now all I can imagine is what may have been implied. I'll grant you the benefit of the doubt, though not easily. In fact, it's painstakingly difficult, but I will not have you carry this burden into the next life. We are all but human.

So yeah. Just found out my dad died in a car accident while evacuating from Isabel.

some random shots of detroit on the way to the cursive show–out of a car window.

^interpol at the state theatre. and some cracked out ice cream man


^the renaissance center

^the fox theatre

^look close in the windows. it says "NO VIOLENCE, NO RACISM, NO WAR"

^one of our new stadia, comerica park

^a look down woodward ave.

^orchestra place

^I believe this is the guardian building. detroit has one of the best collections of 1920's architecture in the world.

^i call this one 'technology vs. religion". haha. a cathedral on woodward.

^i don't know who this guy is but i liked the statue. what era are those dudes below living in?

^a blurry shot of the new compuware world headquarters. to the left, campus martius park is in it's beginning stages.

^a distant shot of downtown

^ "the spirit of detroit"

^outside the majestic before the show.

I love this town.

Well, the show was pretty good last night. Eastern Youth and Cursive were amazing but I don't care for Blood Brother's all that much. I think the sound guy must have been like " How the fuck am I supposed to work with this? How exactly do you excentuate utter chaos?" Haha. Some of these aren't of the best quality, but here are some pics anyway…

^eastern youth [m/]




^blood brothers



^second attempt at a boob shot. j/k 😉


^cursive

Who is going to Cursive, Blood Brothers and Eastern Youth tonight? Ashley, I think you should find a way to get there. If you can't, give me a call by about 5:30 @ 904.476.5793. Ann Arbor isn't out of the way…by too much.

Today I spent my time reading "The Drawing of the Three" and then spent most of the night drinking and being sad…but trying to be happy. I've now spent an hour on hotornot.com, rating ugly people 10 and rating pretty people 1.

I was just pondering something. I would never become vegan but IF [and this is a HYPOTHETICAL] I were to become one, would I have to get rid of my sea shell ash tray? I found it on the beach and I did no harm to the mollusk. Guess it doesn’t matter. I realize the health benefits of protien and iron…and after all…I do have a few k–9 teeth and I think that implies something.

I just feel very blah lately. Nothing too exciting is happening….went out a few times this week and i had a good time, but then it's right back to life. Same boring life. Ever dream of that life where you fly by the seat of your pants and that around every corner is something new? Something exciting or peaceful or wonderful or horrible…just something that has a little more variability than the flat-lining of what i've had lately. i think my main problem is that i don't have someone to empty all of this bottled up love onto. and get loved in return. it's been a really long time since i've had that flame that defies all logic…but is wonderful and scary all at the same time. Theres a girl out there that I'm pretty sure could fill that void, but unfortunately she's in Atlanta. Goddamnit Georgia.

My brother Brad just called from Iraq. I tell you, I’m really starting to miss that kid. He can’t stand it over there, and though he’s not a man of many words, he knows that it’s ridiculous that he’s over there in the first place. He went into the army because he didn’t have the best grades in school and still wanted to make something of himself. I pray that he’ll come back safely. I can’t imagine what it’d be like to buy him a beer and sit next to him at the bar and just bullshit. His birthday is in November…he’ll be 21. I wish he didn’t have to spend it over there. I admire the courage that he has had and for most of my life I have spent my time looking down at him but for the first time I really find myself being proud of the person he has become and truly looking up to him…and knowing that he really is something else. We have shared almost all of the same experiences throughout our lives…we’re only a year and nine months apart, so before we moved out of the house…we went through all of the good times as well as traumatic experiences together. It is not until now that our paths are really being pried apart, though I believe we’re still within sight of eachother…walking parallel…still walking within arms reach. Brothers always.

There is a misty rain outside. The first day of this type weather I’ve seen since summer decided to exhale it’s warm breath upon this lonely peninsula. The trees are motionless but still of a vibrant green, though the grass is patchy and brown in places, only healthy along lines that follow the underground tubes that spider-leg north from the house. The house is empty aside from myself and the dogs that have been anxiously awaiting everyone’s return, looking out the window and whimpering at every sound in hopes that the next vehicle is that of their masters’. Everything is quiet now in this cluttered home with the only exception being the fans with their colorless, ominous, soft breathing.

Summer has almost come to a close; I can feel it. My emotions have painted with all the spectrum but more so with one or two favored colors these three months. Mostly greens and blues and happy colors that are warm and inviting. I’m afraid of what the next 6 months will paint. I find myself lingering on that, almost in preparation for the dramatic change that humid-cold/hot summer climates entail. I missed one and a half winters in my journeys along the southern most regions of the country, mostly the gulf coast in naples which at worst got down to a chilly 60 degrees. Though, I might add, that after months and months of 95+ degree weather, 60 does feel rather brisk. Now I drive my winding road at night, to the corner to get cigarettes, with the windows down in my very worn out, humble vehicle. Fifty five degree breezes coming through the trees and off the river have never felt so good. But this is summer. And it’s still a 55 degree breeze. A 55 degree breeze that is the ‘low’ for the day. Soon it will be the ‘high’ and the low will be well below freezing. The river will freeze, the windows of my little car will ice in the mornings and the blades of grass out front will be frosted well into afternoon until the sun has given all that it can for the two warmest hours of the day and from there, dies, only for the frost to catch up again. I’ll see my breath in the air and it will remind me of my childhood when my brothers and I would pretend we were smoking cigarettes. Funny how I do smoke now. I would have never imagined doing it for real.

And then for the tundra. Mid-December until Early April will be the months I dread the most. The months that make your balls climb close to your body with their scrotum as tight as tanned leather. Shivering uncontrollably with teeth chattering. Inhuman conditions that often pose the question “why had our naked-aped ancestors ever considered venturing into such a climate? Especially when there are places like Costa Rica and the northern extremities of the Baja Peninsula.” Places where you could where no skins. Places where you could be as naked as the day you were born and never know the discontent of 7ft high drifts of snow.

Though there are three good things that I can think of off the top of my head that I would consider somewhat positive outcomes to having drastic seasons. 1. Its a good divider of time and it’s easier to place time frames in your life when it’s separated by seasons. My memories of southern florida all blend into one unified, sweaty memory. 2. It brings people close together because if you’re not doing something aerobic outside, it’s just too damn cold to be out. Everybody comes indoors to drink, play, have symposiums of sorts…and try to stay warm with company, cheers and fireplaces. 3. Looking outside after an ice storm and looking at the trees that are encased in glass seems almost too beautiful to be reality.

So I don’t know what this entry is really supposed to be. I guess I’m just letting stuff out. I’ll close.