Bryan

Afterword

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

Reading

Book Art

A Pattern Language

Christopher Alexander

    So I have been reading Bluebeard; thank you for that.  I'm taking it in chunks because I like to read K.V. slowly and taste it.  I didn't think I would, but you were right.  I like it that you underlined parts in it because I can almost tell what you were thinking when I read those chunks, but I don't like "Potato BARN" written in places because I'm afraid you're going to give away the ending, if you haven't already.  I didn't talk to you today because I didn't want to talk to ANYone today, and getting all those calls made me even more reclusive.

    I started writing something after a …

    Essays

    walls painted, floor 85% installed

    cleaning out/throwing away all of the boxes i left here from before i moved to florida.  funny, i saved so much.  the best part about it are the photos and all of my writing assignments that i saved over the years, from grade school on up.  the evolution of bryan was/is hideous.  i should scan some memorabilia.  everyone would have a good laugh, including myself.

    i also found a record player with needle intact!  listening to the kinks with neverending zealous!

    Essays

    journal of an american psycho, part 1

    today i woke to the sound of my focus-challenged, seventeen-year-old brother, and my 43 year-old mother fighting because she didn't wake him up in time for school. my brother, who has been through four high schools, for various reasons, many of which i believe to be fiction, has once again accumulated more than nine (9) absences in the better half of his classes this semester. meanwhile, in a not-so-distant corner of the house, where i was coming out of a dream where i was supposedly some kind of motorcycle pro who has just come out of a coma and is getting back into his training regiment, …

    Essays

    <b>Like eating glass</b>

    It's times like these that I'm glad that I don't keep a lot of personal possessions. I'm moved out of my apartment and it really didn't take more than two days to get everything organized, packed up, and moved. There is one thing that I'm neglecting, though, and it's painting over the walls. I shouldn't have ever done it, being that it's an apartment but I was tired of living in mind-numbing white. Hopefully I'll finish that up tonight.

    I've been thinking about heading over to the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship as a spectator on one Sunday to see what they're all about. I'm not really …

    As I lay in bed this evening trying desperately to fall sleep I happened across two thoughts:

    A) They must put a topically addictive substance in Q-tips; and B) Despite how decidedly uncool it is to have a favorite band, I choose Super Furry Animals

    Goodnight.

    Essays

    wouldn&apos;t it be wonderful if everything was meaningless (pedro&apos;s title, bryan&apos;s prose)

    i spent the afternoon and much of the evening right here

    much of the morning too

    the sun hid for the better part of a season this midwestern gray with its skies drained like my lungs suffocating with a Camel’s all deliberate speed

    but today no, yesterday the sun decided he was tired of suicide notes and came out with guns blazing forcing me to class

    to those trite teachers flagrantly approaching godliness to themselves and to the mindless dummies who grasp convictions based on cynicism– like fashion coughing up whatever hasn’t been stated except in the vague references of music and the …

    only three days left!

    today is so so gorgeous. just thinking this is what people of san diego get everyday is motivation enough for me to put my sights on that place when the wandering life is done with me.

    Essays

    Guitar

    <font size=&quot;+1&quot;>uh oh, bryan</font>

    derek: I went to listen to a Salsa station on my radio derek: lazy mexicans derek: it's not up and running

    "What people don't realize is that the so-called Seattle grunge scene grew out of several close-knit gourmet supper clubs - we would only pick up guitars to pass the time while our dishes were simmering, baking, boiling, etc." -kurt cobain

    Essays

    what it&apos;s like to croak through everlasting winters, siding with escape

    Last night the fill station attendant wore a thigh-length, faux fur coat, a garment whose strands were at least three inches in length, and black like that of his own locks. A subtle, pink neck bore the only separation of the two, leaving his head dangling in space above the jacket like a dot atop an upside down exclamation point. My excitement was not for the coat, but instead for the passion in which he wore it as he collected bags of trash from outside!

    I returned from a trip a couple of weeks ago only to find something written on the living room wall. It read: "No matter how far a jackass travels he will always come back a jackass" I don't know that it was directed at me but I found it rather uncanny to have appeared soon after I returned. To be quite honest, that was the straw that broke the "jackass' " back. I put in my notice at work and told my flatmates that I've got to leave, and that I'm doing it ASAP. I'm thinking with more humility and attempting to get in touch with reality. I'm fed up with trying to make …

    I've been a bit worried as of late, worried for myself, maybe something that has never existed Driving boxes of Midwestern roads I talk, sometimes in consolation, other times in desperation, wanting anything to turn out some solidarity. As the days persist I float through them, already tired, already somewhat dead, as if ghostly I pass from one day to the next, barely leaving a footprint, not seeing my reflection in people that I call friends. Because the ones that used to reflect have now been spat upon and grow dilapidated in time, and in a way I do not any longer exist, but instead just …

    I had this bizarre dream last night. It's funny because I don't normally remember my dreams, but this one stuck.

    It started with me leaning against the bar in this dining area/ballroom, everyone decked out in tuxedos and gowns, chandeliers and everything else. I was looking around and drinking my whiskey or whatever thinking how spectacular the place looked, but I wasn't in the greatest of moods. I didn't want to be there. At this point I looked over to this figure moving his way through the round tables toward one of the doors. He looked over at me and I was surprised to see that it was …

    Essays

    when women stop carrying mirrors

    it's not everyday that i'm drawn to someone's personality and demeanor just as strongly as i'm desirous of their physical person. today is gorgeous.

    Essays

    ...right where you&apos;re standing

    I'm dreading my return to Lansing. I'm absolutely 100% tired of my roommates. 2/3rds of them are okay people, but the novelty of living with them has worn off and the whole thing has started to become kind of awkward. I think it would suit me to get one of those studios, 5X5 with a kitchenette and bathroom and that's it. Have everything I own in one room to save my concentration. The truth of the matter is that I'm only living there because it's dirt cheap and I don't know exactly where I'm going to be in the fall, so a lease is out of the question. I've actually thought about going back …

    save me from this retchedness!

    lend me your couch! lend me your reference!

    If there is someone on your friends list you would like to take, strip naked, tie them to a bed post, lick them until they scream, then screw them until both of you are senseless and unable to screw anymore, then wait about five minutes and do it all over again, then post this exact sentence in YOUR journal.

    I had a dream that I was driving in someone else's car, and that person was with me telling me bunk directions. But the brakes were really bad and when I tried to slow down to take turns or stop for obstructions the car wouldn't stop…only slightly slow down when i put all of my weight into the brake; I'd just keep sliding…brakes screeching…and the steering wheel would slacken. I was completely helpless. I wonder if this is some kind of metaphor for my life.

    I'm in North Carolina currently. My brother is being deployed to Iraq for the second time, this time on an 11 …

    i'm officially 24, thus officially old. actually my birthday was yesterday but i worked that day. Hunter S. Thomson died on my birthday. I think it would have been funnier if he did it on presidents day instead of my birthday.

    Essays

    The self is overrated

    What's the big deal with individuality? If you ask me, it's more just a means to an end, a reason to draw lines around and/or between EVERYTHING. I'm speaking of individuality, not to be mistaken for creativity. Why are we always making up these boundaries about who we are and who we are not when most of the time this individualiaty is just dogma or stigma or hypocricy. What is the desire, the positive outcome? I'm not talking about that "friends come in all sizes" bullshit; I know, people are yellow and brown and fat and skinny, I'm not talking about making clones of everyone. …

    Essays

    <u>Who I&apos;m.</u>

    I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'm completely, utterly afraid of commitment, almost in all aspects of my life. From who I am to who I want to be, to what I wear, to who sleeps in my bed with me, and the only things that stay constant in my life are fears and addictions. Good Goddamn it feels awesome to be truthful with myself. And now it's time to move towards the positive, to keep with the general flow as of late. Thank you Rumi, once again, for your insight.

    I've also come to realize that I have virtually no life at all. This is good because I've had so much time to …

    Today is a beautiful day. I love it when I rise with the sun, fully rested and in high spirits. I've been taking a lot from my religious readings lately, especially Rumi…he makes me think these positive thoughts, feel these feelings that everything is in it's right place. My posture is improving and the tension in my shoulders and brow are lessened by the day. I think soon that I will have the willpower to quit smoking and then I'll be filled with energy in time for spring!

    I haven't always been the best of people, I know this, for I often wore it on my sleeve as pessimism. I have …

    Essays

    the days go in and out like the alarm clock in my room...

    …trial separation from the life i once knew

    man, i never update anymore. i should start again.

    i've been fighting off so many urges lately. i'm stuck here, right in the middle. "here i am…stuck in the middle with you."

    there's a girl, two floors up, waiting for me to arrive, but she's pretending she's not waiting. that's the way it's been. we dance and drink and screw. then we don't call eachother. sin, repent, repeat. is this the way the mid-twenties are? don't get me wrong, i love swervin' to the berv, but damn, what happened to intimacy. shit my ninja. shit. …

    I feel like I'm a robot.  Not in the trendy way, either.
    Routine. Zeep. Zip. Beep. Boink.
    And coaxing myself and others into thinking that I'm strong isn't going to hold up much longer, I feel.  The ruse is going to break.  I'd just like someone else to be strong for me for a couple of days.  Maybe so I can just build my strength back up.  Like how a diver needs to come up for air, or to refill his tank, or whatever.  At risk of being pushed outside the realm of men I'll quite frankly state that I need someone to hold me in my bed without …

    The last few days its been inhumanely cold. 0 degrees, 3 degrees, -4 degree windchill, etc. today when i walked out the front door i bundled, but no gust blew me over. It feels like it's thirty degrees and it almost feels like fucking spring after the REAL cold.

    Today and yesterday were my days off, and I haven't had a pair of days off since august. At first I almost felt dirty that I really didn't have anything that I should be doing. I paced around. Went to a matinee with shaun (Closer, only because The Life Aqauatic isn't here yet, damnit). Drank myself to oblivion. I really shouldnt …